Holy Chinese Proverbs
by Cybelluk
Summary: The Evil Chop Suey attempts to take over the Chinese Restaurants in Gotham


_Please forgive this version. It came about when I was attempting to discuss with my husband the plot for 'Missing One Butler' It was he who kept on insidting that the villain was the Evil Chp Suey with titanium tipped chopsticks who wanted to turn Robin into birds nest soup. I have to admit it became the source of some amusement. So I wrote it for him. _

"Holy Chinese Proverbs Batman!"

Bruce answered the bat phone as it jangled on the study desk.

"Yes commissioner how can I help?"

"Batman," the commissioners voice sounded agitated, "Batman there's been a murder down in China town. A restaurant owner has been found impaled by chopsticks!"

"What!" Bruce exclaimed. "Chopsticks?"

"Yeah, forensics just said they were tipped with metal."

"I'll be right there. Give me the address."

Commissioner Gordon dictated the location and rang off.

"Dick! Dick!" Bruce shouted up the stairs. Dick appeared on the landing.

"What's up?" he asked as he sprinted down the stairs at Bruce's beckoning.

"There's been a murder in China Town, a restaurant owner has been killed with, would you believe, CHOPSTICKS! Come on lets get suited up and head over there, I have the address."

"Holy chow mein Bruce! What a devilish way to go."

"I know old chum, come on hurry up, we need to get there before the trail goes cold."

"Yup, Chinese food doesn't stay warm long." Bruce cast a somewhat disapproving glance at Dick as the two of them hurried into the study and descended to the Batcave via the pole.

Changing rapidly into their crime fighting outfits they jumped into the Batmobile. Batman gunned the engine and they roared away.

The scene they encountered at the restaurant was one of pandemonium. Wailing waitresses and confused chefs were being questioned by police officers. Clientele in obvious shock were also being de-briefed.

A forensic team was painstakingly examining the body and surrounding area.

The commissioner greeted the pair as they entered.

"Batman, thank you for coming, Robin." He acknowledged the young man. "This isn't the first incident, there's been three others that we know of, but this time it looks as if the perp left a calling card."

"Mind if we take a look?" Batman asked.

"No go ahead." The commissioner called to the forensic team to allow Batman and Robin to investigate closer.

The body was impaled to the wall by his clothing; also there was titanium tipped chopstick through each hand. The method of execution was obvious. A chopstick had been rammed into each eye penetrating deep into the brain.

"Yeeou, nasty." Robin declared. "Looks more than just the actions of a dissatisfied customer don't you think?"

"I would concur old chum." Batman replied. Turning to forensic technician he asked.

"Have you checked that menu that's pinned by him there?"

"Yes Batman."

"May I see it?" The technician handed it to him.

Scanning it Batman showed it to Robin.

"What do you see?"

"Someone had ringed their order? Number 69? Huh, Chop Suey, so?"

"What else do you see?"

"Oh my. The writing at the side, it says…"

"Yes, 'Beware the Evil Chop Suey. Take heed this will be your fate if you continue to defy me.' It's a warning to the other restaurateurs. Just what is the Evil Cop Suey's plan I wonder?"

"Maybe it's a protection racket, or even a take over plan?" Robin suggested.

"I think you may be right old boy. We have to find this Chop Suey before others suffer the same fate. Lets go check on other restaurants to se if they have had a visit."

"Ok Batman. Lets go."

The two hastily left the scene and headed back to the Batmobile. Once inside Batman took out a phone book and stared in dismay at the number of restaurants and takeaways there were.

"I guess we will have to split up to cover as any as we can, I will see if the commissioner will let us have a couple of cops to help."

"There sure are a lot, it will take for ever to cover these." Robin protested.

"Sooner started sooner done." Batman ripped a page from the book and handed it to Robin. "Be careful, and keep in touch." He warned.

"Ok, you too."

They exited the car and went in opposite directions. Batman made a stop at the crime scene and procured the assistance of two uniformed cops.

The search seemed endless. No one was willing to talk it appeared, either because of fear or ignorance. Batman was beginning to despair of finding any clues. Robin had indicated that he wasn't having much joy either, neither had the uniformed cops.

Batman decided to call it a day.

"Robin." He spoke into the communicator. "Robin."

There was no reply, just static.

"Robin?" Still nothing. Hoping that he was just in an area that had no signal, Batman hurried back to the Batmobile. Checking in with the uniformed cops he told them of his intention to leave off searching for now.

Again he tried to contact Robin, again he got nothing but static.

"Where are you?" he said to himself. He started the car and headed in the direction that Robin had headed to begin his search, he also activated the screen on the dashboard, it would pick up the tracking devise Robin had concealed in his costume.

Following the signal he picked up he found himself heading in the direction of an area that was mainly occupied with storage facilities and warehouses. The signal led him to a warehouse proclaiming it was the distribution centre for all Chinese Restaurant food and equipment.

Batman pulled up in front of the building.

Making his way with caution he entered the building. Scanning the interior he climbed silently up onto a gantry that looked as if it criss crossed the entire facility.

In the centre of the large warehouse, a huge cauldron was bubbling away.

"Robin!" Batman exclaimed to himself.

Robin was suspended, dangerously close, by his wrists over the cauldron. He appeared to be unconscious; as he was motionless and his head drooped down on his chest. He was dripping with sweat because of the steam from the large kettle.

A quick survey told Batman there was about half a dozen men, one was stirring the cauldron whilst another was stoking the fire beneath it. The others were busy with various tasks

Sat on a huge elaborate 'throne' was a Chinese man dressed in equally elaborate richly embroidered robes. He had the long false fingernails of nobility. He was obviously overseeing the proceedings. Batman deduced he was The Evil Chop Suey.

Batman moved with some stealth across the gantry to try and procure a better vantage point. As he mover he accidentally dislodged something, which fell to the floor below with a loud clang.

Alerted to the intrusion the minions sprang into action. Batman was forced to act.

Dropping to the floor he engaged the men. They were skilled in the martial arts and he was having some difficulty in dealing with them on his own.

"STOP!" came a cry. "STOP!" It was the ringleader The Evil Chop Suey. During the fight he had moved over to the rope holding Robin in place over the pot.

"I will drop this bird into the cauldron if you don't stop." He shouted.

The other minions grabbed batman and held him fast.

"You wont get away with this!" Batman cried out.

"I don't think you are in a position to say that." Cop Suey declared laughing. He loosened the rope so that Robin dropped even closer to the boiling contents. The heat appeared to make him come round and he struggled vainly.

"I'm going to make my own version of birds nest soup." Chop Suey told Batman laughing maniacally. "What do you think to that?"

"Your mad." Batman shouted, "Let him go."

"Now now that's not polite is it?"

Batman tried to free himself from his captures.

"Robin." He cried, "Old Boy, are you ok?"

"I'm just hanging around waiting for something to happen." Robin quipped. "But this is one hot date I would gladly miss."

Batman suddenly felt one of the captures grip slacken and he seized the opportunity.

"I'm sure you will be having a swinging time," he called as he began to fight again.

Robin understanding him set himself swinging to and fro. As he did so Batman let with a Baterang and it sliced through the rope. Robin used the impetus of the swing to leap to safety. Wrestling the ropes from his wrists he joined Batman in the fight.

Eventually they had the gang defeated and secured. But the Evil Chop Suey was nowhere to be seen. He had slipped away.

"Boy was that guy off his noodle." Robin said as he secured the Batcuffs around the wrists of the last man.

"I agree old chum. Lets get these men picked up by the police and then see if we can find where he disappeared to." Batman told him.

Batman and Robin searched the warehouse and came upon a door that led into a passage. Cautiously they entered and followed it to its end. It opened up on to a yard, which in turn led out onto the street.

"We'll never find him now." Robin cried in despair.

"Don't be too sure." Batman chided. "Look and observe, what do you see?"

"Folk going about their lives as normal." Robin answered.

"Yes that's right but look again."

Robin did as he was bid.

"I'm sorry Batman I don't see…"

"Look over there, the beggar. You see him?"

"Yes but… Oh my…Holy sneakers Batman."

They made their way over in the direction of the man sat begging at the kerbside. The both made as if to pass him then pounced and grabbed him. The beggar was no other than the Evil Chop Suey.

He managed to slip from Batman's grasp and headed of at a fast pace, ducking into a shop to try and avoid capture again.

Batman and Robin where close behind as Chop Suey ducked into the storeroom at the rear of the shop. As Batman entered he threw his Baterang, which legged Chop Suey over causing him to fall into a stack of cardboard cartons. The contents of some spilled out as Chop Suey flailed his arms to try and right himself, the hundreds of fortune cookies that were spilling out around him thwarted his escape.

Batman and Robin had him in cuffs in a moment.

Chop Suey was screaming and protesting. Levelling threats at both Batman and Robin.

Robin casually picked up one of the unbroken fortune cookies.

"Hmm, I wonder what this will tell us about your future?" he pondered as he broke the cookie open. He read it to himself.

"What has he in store for him then?" Batman asked.

"It says 'you will find your future restricted by the choices you make today.' I guess there's a certain irony to that."

"True old boy." Batman agreed.

Chop Suey had quietened when Robin had read out the motto from the cookie.

"Tell me Batman how did you know it was me disguised as a beggar?"

"That was easy, Robin would you like to enlighten him?"

"You had forgot to remove your elaborate slippers and you had still got the rings on your hand. Not the usual garb of a destitute beggar."

"Drats." Chop Suey began to mumble incoherently.

The Police arrived to escort him to Arkham asylum. As they loaded Chop Suey into the van he called out.

"I'm not beaten yet Batman, I will return." He dissolved in to a fit of laughter that faded, as the doors to the van were slammed shut.

"Poor deluded fool." Batman said sadly.

"I guess he will be stewing in Arkham for some time." Robin replied.

"Maybe, there is always a chance that he will be cured. We can't just give up on him just because of what he has done."

"I suppose not." Robin conceded.

"Come on let's head back." Batman instructed.

The dynamic duo headed back to the Batmobile and roared off.

Another job well done.


End file.
